Nootopia

noodlesaurus: CRYING. Reblogging because it makes me smile.

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:15:12 +0100

CRYING.

Reblogging because it makes me smile.

nothingbutthedreams: such-heights: babiesareyum: “A member of...

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 19:12:02 +0000

such-heights:

babiesareyum:

“A member of the Scottish National Antarctic Expedition plays the bagpipe for an indifferent penguin, 1904.”

#the greatest caption in the history of the world

I can’t stop laughing at this.

A Little Teapot: noodlesaurus: A Little Teapot: So I’m a bit of a dick…noodlesaurus:...

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 22:22:47 +0100

A Little Teapot: noodlesaurus: A Little Teapot: So I’m a bit of a dick…noodlesaurus:...:

noodlesaurus:

noodlesaurus:

A Little Teapot: So I’m a bit of a dick…

noodlesaurus:

This boy messaged me saying “It is hard finding a girl that appreciates quality films and gaming - however, no one can beat me at Skyrim! ”

and I replied with:

“You can’t beat people at Skyrim. -____-…

I applied more civilly because I am a glorious beacon of goodness. And I also want to know his reasoning behind his incredibly poor decision:

“I can’t believe you’ve never played Skyrim and pretended you did as an excuse to message me. And then said no-one could beat you. Just finding it a little hard to wrap my head around.”

Okay, he replied with “What can I say, I’m not a gambling man and things like that Skyrim fib tell you exactly why that is :-P” Well played good sir, but your previous indiscretion is inexcusable. He wants to meet up with me. I think I shall politely decline and go play some Skyrim instead of meeting men.

Introductions to Books

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 17:00:55 +0100

As someone who studied English, I’ve read a lot of old books and novels. I loved reading them (excluding Chaucer), but what I didn’t love was the huge amount of crap at the start of most of these books. I have in front of me the Penguin Classics edition of Frankenstein. There are 58 pages of introduction and general notes before the book even begins. It’s not just Penguin that’s guilty of this phenomenon. At the beginning of The Roaring Girl and Other City Comedies (an anthology of plays from ye oldey plaguey times), published by Oxford World’s Classics, there are 59 pages of poop before the plays even begin. While I understand the need for some clarification regarding the context/era these older books were written in, the people writing them often go way too far and end up listing screeds of information that the average reader/student will never use. Because believe me, the majority of students don’t even bother reading the introduction (or the book, but that’s another story).

I think it would make sense for publishing houses to have one page at the beginning of the book, not fifty. A page listing a website address, one where people can look up the information usually provided in the introductory sections of the book. That way everyone wins; the publishers waste less paper and ink, the students can read their book without having to skip dozens of pages before getting to the actual text and still have introductory information to look at if they choose to, and casual readers can just read the damn thing.

So...

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 14:41:02 +0100

noodlesaurus:

I opened the fridge today to find a water bottle and the words “DON’T DRINK - NOT WATER.” scribbled on it.

I have never been more tempted to drink something in my entire life.

It turns out it was tequila. May have found that out the hard way. And yes, I often wonder how I’m still alive.

The 5 Worst Things About Being Unemployed

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 18:34:00 +0100

I’ll be following this article with one discussing the benefits of being unemployed, so if you enjoy this one, keep your eyes peeled! :)

Not having a job is tough. For one thing, you don’t have any money. But there are other disadvantages…

1) Catch-22

I can understand employers wanting someone with experience. It makes sense on their part, because they get a new member of staff who knows what to do and why they’re doing it. However, when it comes to the person applying for the job, it is a massive pain in the ass. I’ve recently applied for a number of Admin Assistant jobs, and every single time I’ve applied I get the same reply - unfortunately, you do not have the qualifications or experience needed for the role. But here’s the thing - how am I supposed to get experience if no-one employs me because I have no experience? This seemingly unending loop of fuckery will only continue unless I either get a job at an office using my past qualifications (unlikely), or I bite the bullet and do a college course. But I’ve already used up my five years of government funding in further education, so I’d have to pay for it myself, which I can’t do because no-one will hire me.

2) Social Stigma

Let’s face it, there are a lot of unemployed people in the world today. I don’t have to summarise how much trouble the economy is in, because everyone who does their own food shopping knows how bad it is (food prices always rise in times of economic crisis). In Spain, the jobless rate for young people is at 54%. Just think about that for a second. That’s a hell of a lot of people.

However, when people ask me “So, what do you do?” and I tell them I’m unemployed, you can practically see the cogs turning inside their head. Most people will only say “Oh, right” in a way that seems to say “You still can’t get a job? Bullshit.”, but some have called me outright lazy for not working.

Despite the media telling us how difficult it is to get a job in this economic climate, the idea that jobless = lazy is still there. It’s in our societies collective consciousness, fuelled by endless newspaper articles about “benefit Britain” and chavs claiming thousands of pounds for their squads of children. But I’m not one of those people. I genuinely want a job and I am actively seeking one out, yet I am still seen as somehow not trying hard enough. It’s rather frustrating.

3) Application Forms

I’ve noticed a strange trend in job applications. The more highly-skilled jobs usually ask for a CV and cover letter, and from there they can determine whether you should reach the interview stage or not. This is fine. Yet for lower to no-skill jobs, such as working in a fast food restaurant or working as a cleaner in a shop, you are expected to fill out a ridiculous maze of fuckery. Just look at this application form here. http://www.goodfoodstore.com/PDF/App_andCovSheet.pdf Look at the last page.

A person applying for work at this business would most likely be a cashier or bag boy, yet they have to explain why they want to work there. Oh, and forget about honesty, because employers aren’t looking for that. They’re looking for phrases like “team work”, “community spirit”, “passionate about food”, and so on. So if you answered the question “Why do you want to work here?” honestly, it would probably say something like this:

“I’ve been out of work for two months and I’m down to the last of my savings. My dog is sick and I have vet bills to pay. In other words, I need a job, and I don’t care where. I don’t care if you sell organic food or whale blubber, I just need a steady paycheque and decent hours, and your shop can give me both.”

Whereas you actually have to say something like this:

“I am passionate about organic food and always try to buy the best products possible, and I would love to be part of your dedicated team of staff.”

That’s all I can think of, because despite having a degree in English, I don’t have a degree in bullshit. I despise writing in such a false, sycophantic way, and yet employers actively seek people out who can believably say why working in a shitty supermarket is just what they’ve always dreamed about. Everyone knows how stupid it is, yet employers shove those questions on application forms anyway.

Bonus question from the application form: “Tell us about a favourite food-memory.”

What? Seriously, what? How about answering by saying: “That time when I was so poor I had to search dustbins for scraps because retarded questions like this are preventing me from getting a damn job at a supermarket!”

4) Interviews

I’m going to go all anecdotal here. I was invited to an interview at The Good Food Shop, and these places sell things like sausage rolls, pasties, cakes and sandwiches. The food is cheap and they are mostly present in shopping centres. Their shop isn’t really a shop at all, it’s just a little alcove where you queue up, get your roll and go. So I showed up to my interview, and the manager was barely older than I was. He shook my hand limply and led me into the back of the shop, which was a tiny working space filled with people and trays of baked goods. But he didn’t lead me to an office or a break room. Instead, he led me to the back stairwell of the shopping centre, sat on one of the steps, and conducted the interview. An interview filled with questions like the ones I discussed in the section above, things like “Why are you passionate about TGFS?” and “Are you effective when working in a team?”

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that places like TGFS - places that don’t even have a break room or an office, places that conduct interviews on stairwells - should not bother even asking those kinds of questions. There’s no point. I can understand why interviews are necessary. Someone could look perfect on paper, and then show up to the interview in a gimp costume. Or they answer every question with “I like it when they scream. It’s nice.” It’s a way of separating the dirt and the gold. But to do that, they don’t have to make you pretend that working in a fast food joint is your lifelong dream.

5) Extra-Curricular Activities

This is a section that you’re expected to have on your CV, and more and more employers are also asking the question: “So what do you do in your spare time?”

I’m going to find it difficult to restrain myself with this one, but I’ll do my best not to degenerate into one giant FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

So here is my first issue with asking potential employees what they do outside of work - it is none of their damn business. If you come to work on time and put some effort in, why does it matter what you do when you get home? So I don’t volunteer at an orphanage or hand out bread rolls to homeless people. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to type out a letter or serve coffee. It doesn’t mean that I’ll spit on every hamburger or wipe my bum on every napkin. My free time is my own time, and it does not relate to working hours in any way. I can understand if you are applying to be a photographer for a newspaper and you write down that you’re interested in photography, but of course you are, you’re applying for a damn job taking photos of things.

My second gripe with this is that it actually gives the employer another (if unconscious) way of judging you on something that is not essential to the job you’re applying for. Say you write down: “I love sports. SPORTS.” and the guy reading your CV hates sports, actually hates it with a passion, then it will colour his opinion of you. Humans can’t help it, as a species in general we make snap judgements about people constantly. If someone is wearing a tracksuit with their trousers tucked into their socks, you automatically assume they’re a NED. Likewise, if you write in your “personal interests” box that you love drinking, partying and riding around in your pimpmobile, chances are that they’ll scrap your application before meeting you.

How to Help Your Overweight Child - A Guide

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:43:41 +0100

Look at your child. Go on, look at it. If you don’t have one, imagine yourself in 2022 with a mini version of you. Is your (real or imaginary future) child slightly porky? Are they referred to as “Mr Blimpy” at school? Do you have to drag out the inflatable swimming pool and hose them down because they don’t fit in the bath anymore? If so, you need some help! After all, YOU caused this. Who hands a child an entire cake and expects them to understand reasonable portion sizes? Jesus, you are a terrible person…But have no fear, because we can help you fix the untold damage you have caused in three easy steps!

1) What goes in a child, stays in a child

All cheap paedophile jokes aside (even if they are inappropriately hilarious), children are pretty absorbent little creatures. If you feed them nothing but cake batter, they will develop the consistency of cake batter. If your child’s diet is a little unsavoury (fried confectionary is not a food group), try feeding them healthier alternatives such as bird seed or carrot mulch. However, if you’ve been feeding them nothing but sugar for most of their lives, they might object to tasting something that hasn’t been processed and squashed into brightly coloured wrapping. Here are some tips to help with this difficult transitory phase:

1) - Lace the initial carrot with sugar. That way you can trick your child into eating healthily without making them go cold turkey. Slowly reduce the sugar amount as the days go by.

2) - Keep a Gillian McKeith cut-out in your front room and threaten the child using her cold, accusatory glare. Phrases such as “The McKeith will get you if you don’t eat your vegetables!” and “We eat carrots so we can see The McKeith at night. She comes to life and tries to steal your soul while you’re sleeping.” Will help the child understand that healthy food is good food! This will probably cripple the child psychologically in later years and ruin the chance of a stable relationship in the future, but hey, you don’t care about that! The child will be long gone by then, and then it’ll be their spouses’ problem, not yours!

2 – Exercise

A child is like a basketball – it’s supposed to bounce around and dive through hoops (the hoops of your expectations, am I right?!), not sit on a shelf and slowly deflate. By letting your child sit on a dusty old shelf (the sofa), YOU are personally responsible for your child’s fatness. In order to make up for years of terrible parenting, you should personally design and oversee your child’s fitness regime. Here are some ideas to get you started:

1) - Buy a punching bag and tape a picture of your child’s worst tormentor onto it. If you are not aware that your child actually is being bullied, then you’re an idiot! Your child is the size of a small whale, of course they’re being picked on! Work your child into a rage by mimicking the tormentor’s voice as your child pummels the punching bag. If possible, kidnap the actual tormentor and super glue them onto the punching bag! This will make your child feel much more secure and comfortable during this exercise, and it will also make you feel like a good parent again. Just be sure to scare the bully into silence afterwards, otherwise you may be coaching your child from your jail cell! Whoops!

2) - Create a trail of small sweets leading from your house to the local gym, and watch your chubby Hansel or Gretel walk for miles! CAUTION: May be negated by the choice of sweet. Remember, whole Mars Bars are not classed as small. The treatsize ones aren’t either.

3) - Sign your child up for a brief spell in the army. A simple tippex job will alter the birth certificate and legal age requirement nonsense, and after that you can sit back and watch your child develop into a monstrous fighting machine! Who doesn’t want a child that knows the kill points on a human body? An idiot, thats who.

3 - Permanent lifestyle changes

Listen, changing daily habits isn’t easy for anyone, let alone a chubby child with the self-esteem of a skunk. Not only do you have to feed your child the right things and exercise the child regularly, you also have to make sure that the fat goes away and STAYS away. How can you do this with the minimum amount of effort? After all, you’ve already been through two steps of weight loss, why would you want to do any more?

1) - In the days before you gave a crap, the only exercise your child got was waddling from the sofa to the kitchen table to shovel more mashed potatoes and gravy into its mouth. Now that your child is beginning to lose weight, you can also change the journey to mealtimes! Glue a plate of hamburgers onto the back of your car (note: you may also have to glue the hamburgers onto the plate. Gravity is a cruel mistress.) Drive into the forest and throw your child out into the wilderness, and drive just fast enough so that the child can never quite reach the plate of hamburgers. Stop only when you feel that your child has worked hard enough for their dinner!

2) - Treasure Hunt! Separate the child’s meal into bits and hide it inside the house/garden shed/garden/pond. Tell the child that in order to eat, they must hunt for their meal! Don’t provide clues, as your child is already way too lazy. Deliberately throw them off the scent by saying “cold” when they’re near a carrot stick and “hot” when they’re about to dip their hand into a tub of industrial solvent/rat trap. Fun for all the family!

3) - FIGHT TO THE DEATH! If you are unfortunate enough to have two (or god forbid, more) fat children, then you really are pushing yourself to the limit. It’s hard enough to get one child into shape, let alone more. The solution to this is simple - stage an elaborate duel, and whittle it down until only one child is left standing. The winning child not only wins a thin life, a better life, they also win your respect. And just remember - get creative with it!

Robinson Crusoe for the Modern Age

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 14:03:00 +0100

If Robinson Crusoe was adapted into a film today. By me.

Everyone knows the bare bones of Robinson Crusoe, a story so deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness that hearing “island shipwreck” conjures up images of a fuzzy man battling against the elements with his faithful brown companion. Or they imagine Tom Hanks talking to a volleyball. There’s something wrong with this picture (and I’m not talking about the deleted scene where Hanks tried to hump Wilson in a blind mist of sexual rage). Robinson Crusoe has had many TV shows and made for TV movies dedicated to it, but there hasn’t been any big budget, Michael Bay-esque re-imaginings of the classic tale. In an age of franchise reboots and teen-lit movie adaptations, Robinson Crusoe has been left untouched so far. Why is this? And what the hell does Twilight have that RC doesn’t?

We can write sparkly vampires into the story, right?

This injustice should not be allowed to continue. Robinson Crusoe needs to be creatively raped, spun through the washing machine of pop culture and Hollywood politics and spit out into the world of audience demographics and popcorn.

So what would I (I being a mentally stunted young adult with the attention span of a flea) do to make Robinson Crusoe “hip”, “snazztastic” and “fucking awesome”?

1) Robinson Crusoe? More like Robinson Crusoesn’t! (Please note: I am not creative with titling.)

Let me explain. In the novel, Crusoe is a character with some really huge flaws. He chooses to ignore his father’s doom laden speech of doom about how he will never make a living out at sea, gives his dad the finger, leaves for a life at sea and is promptly shipwrecked. It seems that God also agreed with Papa Crusoe. He then chooses to ignore a salty sea captain’s plea that goes something like this – “You are completely jinxed. You’re so jinxed that dipping your pinky toe into the ocean will result in it being eaten by a lobster. The sea hates you, the-stop playing in the fucking sea! Get those armbands off god damnit!”

If this guy tells you to stay the fuck out of the sea, you do it.

So what does Crusoe do? He leaves for the sea again, gets captured by pirates, escapes, sails to Brazil, plants things, sets sail again and is shipwrecked again.

Even when he manages to escape from the pirates and land in Brazil (I like to imagine him lying on a bed of cocaine and hookers), he tempts fate again and winds up lost and alone on a shitty little island. See, this is one of Crusoe’s biggest flaws – he’s too greedy! The whole reason he set out in the first place was to escape his middle class upbringing and make something of himself. That sounds pretty reasonable, right? Only he doesn’t stop there. When he eventually does have a plantation that’s making a reasonable amount of profit, he decides to risk it all by dabbling in a new trade – the slave trade. The harmless dabble in this flourishing market results in Crusoe getting shipwrecked. Oh, and did I mention that he sold the little slave boy who helped him sail to Brazil in the first place? What a dick.

If I was to adapt (and by adapt, I mean destroy) this character to suit a less slave-loving audience, I would start by making him less of a greedy, slave-selling hairy beast of a man and more of a laid back, hipster hairless waif of a man.

Less of this.

More of THIS.

Audiences today don’t want to see the main protagonist selling his trusty sidekick thirty minutes in, they want to see him teaching his young friend important moral lessons and sending him back to his homeland with a satchel on his back and a smile on his pudgy little face.

The modern Crusoe would preferably be hairless (ironic mustache optional), moderately attractive, politically correct (but only to a certain extent - the reasoning behind this shall be explained later) and have the ability to make men think twice about their sexuality. See, there isn’t a female lead in the story, so Crusoe has to look a little androgynous and girly in order to keep the male section of the audience sexually interested. Using Chatroulette and Craigslist (those are normal internet hang-outs, right?), I’ve determined that men will consider screwing anything with a hole and something to hold onto. Offensive? Yes. Accurate? According to the internet, yes. And the internet doesn’t lie.

2) Make Man Friday less submissive

Robinson Crusoe was written in 18th century England, when slave trading was really starting to take off. Black people were seen either as currency or cannibals (or both!), and as a result Crusoe’s island BFF had a submissive and childlike personality. Man Friday was completely under Crusoe’s control; Crusoe even chipped away at Friday’s pagan beliefs and replaced it with shiny Christianity, something that Friday was eternally grateful for. Oh, and Crusoe also told Friday that he was to call him “master”.

Unless you’re viewing the film in the Deep South, audiences would not be happy with this, which is why I propose a complete change of tactic – Friday is Samuel L. Jackson. And I don’t mean just played by him, I would change the character’s name to Samuel L. Jackson and just run with it. And by run, I mean change the entire ending of the classic story. Here’s an example of how it would work:

Rob: So heathen, what is your name?

Sam: African motherfucker, do you speak it?!

Rob: I cannot and choose not to understand your language, but I assume that you are grateful for my rescuing you from your attackers.

Sam: “Rescue”? Does it look like I need rescuing? I was about to BBQ THEM, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND MOTHERFUCKER!

See, Sam understands Rob perfectly well but chooses not to respond to Rob’s tomfoolery, letting him believe that he is boss long enough to steal his iPalm (patent pending). However, as time passes (told through a wonderful montage of Rob and Sam creating waterski’s out of shark penises), Sam warms to Rob’s ridiculously backwards worldview and learns to pity him, not ridicule him.

3) The invention list

Daniel Defoe enjoyed making his reader’s imaginations walk the plank at swordpoint while cackling maniacally. Let me put the pirate imagery aside for a moment to explain; Defoe marketed the book as a true story. While the jaded, internet soaked youth of today would scream “Bullshit!” at the ‘true’ story of a man who builds his own canoe out of a forty foot tree, the readers of yore tended to shrug and say “Well if it’s in print, it must be true!”. There isn’t really a problem here, except that modern audiences would not readily believe that one man was capable of building all of the things Crusoe apparently built. Granted, he was on the island for twenty seven years, but he manages to have fields of crops, a whole herd of goats, bread-making equipment, pot-making equipment, wicker baskets, a canoe, and many other amenities that make his life considerably better than it was before he was shipwrecked. Tom Hanks only managed to bleed on a volleyball and make it his BFF, and that took him four years. Which is why the adaptation could go two ways; it could either take the Tom Hanks route and show Crusoe continuously try and fail to make fire, or it could throw that realism shit out of the window and just go to town with the idea that one man can prevail with inventiveness and a small knife. In the film, Crusoe could build a sprawling mansion out of bamboo and palm fronds, complete with a sauna powered by a conveniently close natural spring. He could master the art of origami and fashion a three piece suit out of durable hand made paper he mulched up himself, complete with a fancy hat. Hell, let’s give him wiring and metal from the shipwreck and allow him to turn it into a beautifully sophisticated female android. A volleyball? How about something that can actually satisfy a man’s need and talk to him at the same time? In the original book, Crusoe had a parrot as his initial companion. Now he has Shelly (named so because she’s powered by crushed seashells), his faithful robotic companion that eventually turns on him and he’s forced to short circuit her in the sauna.

4) God

Robinson Crusoe is basically a love letter to God. When RC initially shuns God and his smiting habits, he is shipwrecked, enslaved and shipwrecked again. He connects his heathen ways with his misfortune and decides that God is awesome after all. The rest of the book involves Crusoe saying how wonderful/gracious/giving/forgiving/loving God is. In 18th century England, this made the book wildly popular. If you had a choice of reading a book about God or catching syphilis from your mentally unstable spouse (syphilis is a crazy, crazy thing), which would you choose? Nowadays people go to Taco Bell more than they go to Church, so this could be a small problem. Crusoe today would probably put his faith more in his iPod than in the bible he stole from his last motel stay. In the book, RC is left with a bible and reads it religiously. What’s the modern day equivalent of the bible? The Da Vinci Code? More Tom Hanks? OK, so let’s not go with the modern day bible. Let’s go for a book that can advise people on how to live their lives, a book that modern audiences can identify with and recognise as a useful and spiritual piece of literature.

Robinson Crusoe obsessed with zombies and the zombie apocalypse? In fact, instead of Crusoe protecting his island against cannibals from another island, Crusoe must defend his bamboo mansion from the undead. It’s politically correct, it’s in vogue and it’s FUCKING AWESOME.

Plot overview

Rob is a hipster. He has an iPod, an iPad and an iBoat that breaks (it’s first gen) and he winds up on a desert island. With no travel adaptors to power the “how to survive in the wilderness” app on his iPad, RC has to battle against the elements, zombies, hilarious racial misunderstandings and really bad hair in order to survive.

Repost

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 13:27:38 +0100

So last night the dog woke me up every three hours or so because he’s on tablets that make him pee. It meant that between 3 and 6, I couldn’t sleep because I knew he would need to pee again. I don’t mind doing this because I don’t have anything on anyway, but this morning I found something I’d written in my sleep-deprived state…I think I was trying to formulate a spoof magazine article about how to “snare” a boyfriend. If you’ve ever read a woman’s magazine, you’ll know the kind of articles I’m talking about. Anyway, here’s what I wrote:

Hide in a postbox. When a man posts a letter, look at his hands (you may need a torch to do this). Hands are important, as they will be used to carry your future children and build sheds. When you see a hand that you like, grab it and NEVER LET GO.

You can also do the same thing with bins, which has some advantages and disadvantages:

1) You will see his face (also important as your future children might look like him), but you will smell like a bin.

2) Instead of just grabbing his hand, you can leap at him like a facehugger from Alien and NEVER LET GO.

And this was added at the end:

Go into the forest. Cook sausages. The men will come.

Samuel L Jackson - Human-Character Hybrid

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 13:46:00 +0100

I watched him play a badass in Pulp Fiction, I watched him play a badass in Snakes on a Plane, and I watched him being totally badass before a slightly more badass shark ate him in Deep Blue Sea (apparently the only thing in existence that can stop a Samuel L Jackson). He is essentially a ball of “Just look at me the wrong way, motherfucker, just try it. I dare you.” This is fine. It draws in the cinema goers, and it makes us laugh when he intimidates/kills/shouts at another character. He plays the same guy in most of his movies, and that’s also fine. What kind of concerns me - and it’s just a tiny thing - is that he may actually be like that in real life. He isn’t acting. He is that slightly unhinged badass who is only one smart quip away from drop-kicking someone in the face. He is that guy who hates snakes on planes.

How did I come to this shocking conclusion? I realised he had Twitter.

I understand the flaws when it comes to famous people and Twitter. Your expectations are often shattered by said person either shamelessly promoting themselves like a cheap whore (Guys, you don’t have to. We’re clearly fans if we follow you. Relax.), replying to an endless stream of mundane Tweets from fans, or by just being god damn boring. It’s sad when the sleek velvet curtain of mysteriousness drops, and instead of smoking a Cuban cigar and lounging on a classy love seat, your idol is ramming bananas up their nose, screaming “LOOK AT ME, AM I LOVED YET?!” But I was not disappointed with Samuel L Jackson’s Tweets (I can’t bring myself to shorten his name. It doesn’t feel right.), and here’s why:

1) I Have No Idea What He is Talking About

Here’s an example tweet from the 26th of March:

TIGA TIGA GOLFINFUQQINWOODS YALL! Dry spell’s OVA!!

This one I can vaguely understand. I presume he’s talking about Tiger Woods, but I don’t understand what GOLFINFUQQIN is. Golfing fucking? Tiger Woods fucks golf balls? Actually, I take it back. That does make perfect sense. But this next tweet…I‘m not so sure about this one:

HAPPY st PADDY’S tomorrow MUGHPHUGHKUGHZZ!!! Drink responsibly!! Hahahahahahahaha!

I’m not sure whether he wants me to drink responsibly, or whether he’s mocking people who do drink responsibly. I’m guessing it’s the second one, because I can’t imagine Samuel L Jackson applauding someone who goes to a St Patricks party, only to announce they’re a tee-totaller. He’d be the guy saying something like “WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!” (I do not write dialogue for Mr Jackson)

And the MUGHPHUGHKUGHZZ!!! It’s okay Samuel (I did it, I didn’t type his whole name), you can type motherfucker on Twitter. In fact, I encourage you to do so. It doesn’t feel right if you don’t say motherfucker. It’s like Charlie Sheen not saying something ridiculous. It’s a part of you. Embrace it, Samuel.

2) He is possibly a schizophrenic (or someone else sometimes takes control of his Twitter)

Don’t get me wrong, I think Samuel L Jackson seems like a pretty smart guy. What I don’t get is how he switches from tweets filled with MUTHAFUIWQU to lessons in grammatical correctness. In a (presumed) twitter smack down between a troll and the man himself, he says:

Muthafukkas that don’t know the difference between your & you’re are ignorant. I’m opinionated! (13th Feb)

And then only three days previous to this:

3Ding a JedI MAHPFAUCCAUHS’ first appearance tomorrow. Re-release of Episode I! Mace Windu n da howze!

Where did the your/you’re stickleback go? Where did the man of learning disappear to? This leads me to believe that Samuel L Jackson’s state of mind is not stable. One minute he corrects you on your grammar, the next he is screaming “MUTHAFUQCKAS” while brandishing his purple lightsaber at anyone who looks at him funny.

3) The Twitter is only the beginning

I concede that Twitter may be an unfair way to judge someone. My own Twitter mainly consists of me describing mundane things and hash tagging it #thug life. For example:

Getting a sweet buzz from my Vaporub #thug life

It’s not funny. It’s not cool. Yet I type it anyway. Why? Because modern media culture revolves around the idea that everything we do and say deserves a pedestal. Any shitstain on the face of the Earth can make a social networking account and bleat and blab and puke out any old thing that comes into their head, and occasionally it will get them some undeserved attention. But I digress…What I am trying to say is that I can’t fairly judge Samuel L Jackson by reading his Twitter page. I need to go deeper. I need to do some real investigative journalism and really see and feel the real Samuel L Jackson, without getting a restraining order.

Here are my results:

http://youtu.be/Zy0BLDtqMAQ

Yup, he’s insane.