Reblogging because it makes me smile.
“A member of the Scottish National Antarctic Expedition plays the bagpipe for an indifferent penguin, 1904.”
I can’t stop laughing at this.
Introductions to Books
As someone who studied English, I’ve read a lot of old books and novels. I loved reading them (excluding Chaucer), but what I didn’t love was the huge amount of crap at the start of most of these books. I have in front of me the Penguin Classics edition of Frankenstein. There are 58 pages of introduction and general notes before the book even begins. It’s not just Penguin that’s guilty of this phenomenon. At the beginning of The Roaring Girl and Other City Comedies (an anthology of plays from ye oldey plaguey times), published by Oxford World’s Classics, there are 59 pages of poop before the plays even begin. While I understand the need for some clarification regarding the context/era these older books were written in, the people writing them often go way too far and end up listing screeds of information that the average reader/student will never use. Because believe me, the majority of students don’t even bother reading the introduction (or the book, but that’s another story).
I think it would make sense for publishing houses to have one page at the beginning of the book, not fifty. A page listing a website address, one where people can look up the information usually provided in the introductory sections of the book. That way everyone wins; the publishers waste less paper and ink, the students can read their book without having to skip dozens of pages before getting to the actual text and still have introductory information to look at if they choose to, and casual readers can just read the damn thing.
I opened the fridge today to find a water bottle and the words “DON’T DRINK - NOT WATER.” scribbled on it.
I have never been more tempted to drink something in my entire life.
It turns out it was tequila. May have found that out the hard way. And yes, I often wonder how I’m still alive.
The 5 Worst Things About Being Unemployed
I’ll be following this article with one discussing the benefits of being unemployed, so if you enjoy this one, keep your eyes peeled! :)
Not having a job is tough. For one thing, you don’t have any money. But there are other disadvantages…
How to Help Your Overweight Child - A Guide
Look at your child. Go on, look at it. If you don’t have one, imagine yourself in 2022 with a mini version of you. Is your (real or imaginary future) child slightly porky? Are they referred to as “Mr Blimpy” at school? Do you have to drag out the inflatable swimming pool and hose them down because they don’t fit in the bath anymore? If so, you need some help! After all, YOU caused this. Who hands a child an entire cake and expects them to understand reasonable portion sizes? Jesus, you are a terrible person…But have no fear, because we can help you fix the untold damage you have caused in three easy steps!
Robinson Crusoe for the Modern Age
If Robinson Crusoe was adapted into a film today. By me.
Everyone knows the bare bones of Robinson Crusoe, a story so deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness that hearing “island shipwreck” conjures up images of a fuzzy man battling against the elements with his faithful brown companion. Or they imagine Tom Hanks talking to a volleyball. There’s something wrong with this picture (and I’m not talking about the deleted scene where Hanks tried to hump Wilson in a blind mist of sexual rage). Robinson Crusoe has had many TV shows and made for TV movies dedicated to it, but there hasn’t been any big budget, Michael Bay-esque re-imaginings of the classic tale. In an age of franchise reboots and teen-lit movie adaptations, Robinson Crusoe has been left untouched so far. Why is this? And what the hell does Twilight have that RC doesn’t?
So last night the dog woke me up every three hours or so because he’s on tablets that make him pee. It meant that between 3 and 6, I couldn’t sleep because I knew he would need to pee again. I don’t mind doing this because I don’t have anything on anyway, but this morning I found something I’d written in my sleep-deprived state…I think I was trying to formulate a spoof magazine article about how to “snare” a boyfriend. If you’ve ever read a woman’s magazine, you’ll know the kind of articles I’m talking about. Anyway, here’s what I wrote:
Hide in a postbox. When a man posts a letter, look at his hands (you may need a torch to do this). Hands are important, as they will be used to carry your future children and build sheds. When you see a hand that you like, grab it and NEVER LET GO.
You can also do the same thing with bins, which has some advantages and disadvantages:
1) You will see his face (also important as your future children might look like him), but you will smell like a bin.
2) Instead of just grabbing his hand, you can leap at him like a facehugger from Alien and NEVER LET GO.
And this was added at the end:
Go into the forest. Cook sausages. The men will come.
Samuel L Jackson - Human-Character Hybrid
I watched him play a badass in Pulp Fiction, I watched him play a badass in Snakes on a Plane, and I watched him being totally badass before a slightly more badass shark ate him in Deep Blue Sea (apparently the only thing in existence that can stop a Samuel L Jackson). He is essentially a ball of “Just look at me the wrong way, motherfucker, just try it. I dare you.” This is fine. It draws in the cinema goers, and it makes us laugh when he intimidates/kills/shouts at another character. He plays the same guy in most of his movies, and that’s also fine. What kind of concerns me - and it’s just a tiny thing - is that he may actually be like that in real life. He isn’t acting. He is that slightly unhinged badass who is only one smart quip away from drop-kicking someone in the face. He is that guy who hates snakes on planes.
How did I come to this shocking conclusion? I realised he had Twitter.